I have been dealing with burnout for several years now. And I mean real burnout – not “I’m exhausted and need a vacation”, but something I can only describe as a state of mental and physical collapse, of the body enforcing rest by saying no more and meaning it completely. This is something debilitating that I would not wish on anyone.
From my current vantage point, I can look back and see so many signs that I was slowly collapsing, yet continuing to push past my limits. I remember feeling like I needed to schedule long breaks, but that didn’t compensate for the pressure I was putting myself under. Then, in March 2024, I reached a point of utter collapse. It was impossible to do any work, whether that was engineering, writing, farming, or chores. My body and mind were broken, and the only thing that I could do was rest. And how terribly I fought against that need for rest. My identity has long been based around productivity, efficiency, effectiveness, of being able to outperform and outwork others. At that time, I could not even care for myself or my children.
Toward the end of 2024, I felt like I was making progress. The pressure to work had not diminished, but actually intensified after almost a year of not working. I felt that I was starting to feel better, and I thought I might be able to ease back into work – perhaps just 2-3 hours a day would be manageable. Except, I hadn’t actually addressed the underlying problems with my work habits, and I quickly slid back into the same habits and energies… with a predictable outcome. At least I recognized much sooner what was happening, and I was able to step back again before landing myself in the same broken state. Because there’s a very real fear from having experienced such a state of total incapacity: next time, I might not be able to come back. You absolutely cannot afford to let yourself get back there, for the sake of your own well being and for those who depend on you.
That roller coaster continued off and on during 2025. I tried to write and work on courses, and then I’d feel the pressure and stress and need to stop. I started running burnout support groups, and then that became another source of pressure. I was doing too many things, had too many loose threads, wasn’t making enough progress. I felt all the pressure coming back and the toll on my body. So, I decided to focus on something completely different, at least for a few seasons: farming. If I can’t safely engineer, I can at least do work that isn’t connected with all these problematic habits. I can enjoy the beautiful days outside and deepen my connection with nature. Of course, starting a new business in physical space has a lot of work and pressure as well, and I should have seen that coming. And farming comes with its own sources of pressure and overwork, but at least many of these are time-bound and seasonal, with periods of rest and slowness in between. In the end, it has been quite good for me.
Now the farming season comes to a close, and I feel myself pulled back to engineering work once more – at least for the fall and winter season. People have started asking for updates on course material. I still have a lot to offer and teach. But I have pushed myself excessively for so many years, like a machine, and I simply cannot do that anymore. Literally. If I try to push myself in the same ways that I used to, my body reverts to burnout mode and shuts down.
Which leaves pressing questions on my mind. What needs to change in order for me to approach this work safely, such that I do not inflict further damage on my body, my mind, my family? What does it look like to work in a way that is peaceful, enjoyable, and harmonious?
That is what I will be exploring in many posts to come. This will be different content than what you might be used to seeing on this website or in the engineering field. But it’s where I’m at right now, and I’m going to explore that. Perhaps there are others out there who feel similarly. I hope it will provide value to you.
Not that I’m an expert or anything like that, but maybe you could setting your mind towards “working slowly but surely”.
Dunno if you tried it already, but instead of taking on unbearable loads of tasks to do (especially when struggling with a burnout phase), try with something small.
Like completing some relatively simple tasks that push the work forward but do not require tremendous amount of effort.
Instead of completing a whole chapter of a course in 1 day, maybe just focus on interesting topics that could be described there – like planning an agenda.
Then on some other day focus on 1 particular aspect of this agenda, on some other day you could write some code, then on another day you could setup the hardware to run some tests on with the code you wrote.
Then after completing some of these relatively smaller activities, you will will have accomplished something bigger.
Just an idea that may be a total nonsense and totally not applicable in your case but I thought I’d share that hoping to help.
I wish you steady recovery (both in mind and body) and I hope you will get back to having energy, will and passion for doing what you love once more!
BR,
Michael